Encouraging consent in childhood
Consent starts in childhood - not in dating.
We use consent every day, so why does this topic always feel so scary when we think about how to teach about consent to our kids?? One of the best ways we can encourage consent in adolescence and early adulthood is by destigmatizing and normalizing the concept of consent in childhood. This way, the topic is a natural part of your communication and household as they grow up, rather than a foreign topic suddenly getting brought up the first time your kid goes on a date.
Here are four simple tips to start using and encouraging consent, even in childhood.
Tip One: Don’t force hugs/kisses
Some kids love all the cuddles; some kids push against all physical affection.
It can feel like a gut punch when our kids don’t want to show physical affection, but we never want to force that affection in childhood. We want to respect our kids know what feels good for them and teach them to respect what feels good for others too.
Tip Two: Let kids choose affection
Maybe your kid loves hugs and kisses, maybe they prefer a high five. Maybe they’d rather spend quality time with you or create a secret handshake just between you and them. As adults we can help kids find what type of affection or closeness feels good to them. By respecting that choice, we can easily show our kids that their physical comfort with affection is important to us. This lays the foundation for them to follow our lead and respect others’ boundaries with physical affection too.
We can also choose to let them come to us when they need physical affection instead of assuming their current state of being needs physical affection to feel better. Again, this will lay the foundation for our children asking others what they might need when they are upset rather than assuming and crossing someone’s boundaries.
Tip Three: Respect “no” during play
When our kids say no to something involving physical touch (or try to pull away from us), and we try to say “oh it’s no big deal, I’m just playing with you!” it teaches them that they cannot trust their own internal instincts of what feels safe and unsafe in their bodies. While this might seem harmless right now, kids who grow up not trusting their internal sense of felt safety tend to have a harder time saying no later in life when they really want to.
However, when we respect a no from our kids, it helps them trust their internal signals and learn to respect when others’ say no to them.
Pro Tip: Express to your kid why you are stopping physical touch! This can still be playful but will go so far in helping our children understand the more nuanced side of consent as they get older. Say out loud to your child, “Thank you for telling me no (or that they don’t want this affection), I will stop right away.” or “Ooh, I see you’re frowning and pulling away, that tells me you don’t want to do this anymore and I want to respect you so I will stop now.” We all know “no” means “no,” but we don’t all know a lack of enthusiastic, verbal “yes” also means “no.” The earlier you start verbalizing non-verbal cues, the sooner your child can learn to read those cues (and respect them) in others.
Tip Four: Model consent in family interactions
We’ve all had that one creepy family member that always takes the “tickle monster” further than they should...
Encourage your kids to say no to physical touch (even from family members!) and then back up your kid when they do say no. Doing this early in life will help create self-confidence in your child to say no (and respect a no) when they are ready to start dating.
